Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad