John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
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Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.