If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
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nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Best spot.. 😅
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.