If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad