@mbichaela: me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how'd u get up there? snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

@JohnFDaley: There must've been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

@markleggett: You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on "cheat days" when you can eat as many as you like.

@misfarber: *rearranges underwear drawer* Neighbor: the party's downstairs. Please get out of my room

@MikeCanRant: I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering "Your end is nigh, letter boy."