If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
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People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
calling in to work dehydrated
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*