@ericacanrant: If you say I'm getting fat again Aunt Betty, I'll make a "anything for 5 dollars" ad on Craigslist with your name and number.
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@DaddyJew: Interviewer: Which academic course did you find most difficult? Me: spinach Interviewer: you mean Spanish? Me: exactly
@LeslieInMpls: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 85,432 times, you're a weatherman
@Up2Long: I just did my budget for June. If I don't buy food ... I won't need toilet paper. I think I'm on to something here.
@blade_funner: Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts... Me: OK D:...so that I can start the operation. M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.