I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
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I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”