If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
BRAKING NEWS!!
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*