My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.