If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.