@david8hughes: If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.
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@Dawn_M_: It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are. Preposterous.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor
@schlimp: Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi