If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
You are what you delete.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?