@david8hughes: If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.
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@PaperWash: Mario Kart: 1) stays in first place for 3 laps 2) gets passed by 5 people at last second 3) slams controller 4) quits job 5) divorces wife
@TheTweetOfGod: Today is National Girlfriend's Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar's just not ready for that kind of commitment.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]