If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?