If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
New mindset, who dis?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?