If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
You Might Also Like
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP