@Staggfilms: If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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@Mr_Kapowski: The reason why a grilled cheese and tomato soup go so well together is because it’s basically pizza split into two foods
@nerdamage: Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
@krisv_723: *annual sexual harassment seminar. Boss: We need more seats. Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit. Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
@Brianhopecomedy: On my 5 year old's report card it said, "He is encouraged to ask more questions". ARE YOU KIDDING ME.