@Staggfilms: If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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@roxiqt: If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you're probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
@tarashoe: when i'm stressed i close my eyes and imagine i'm on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
@caroline_umc: Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
@CopBroughtPizza: [galileo's wife walks in] *quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor's window to the sky* i was just studying the... phases of venus.