If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Perfection.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
This a good idea
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.