If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes