If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO