If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
❤️❤️❤️
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.