Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house