*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
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me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
necessity is the mother of invention
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place