If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”