If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset