conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab