Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
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My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.