My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
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*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.