@caliluvgirl77: If you slowly put your fingers in someone's mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
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@ibid78: "Dave's coming over." -Dave from work or Dave that doesn't know how doors work? [doorknob sorta jiggles for like 20 minutes]
@Reverend_Scott: "SOMEONE IS VAPING" 911: Stay calm, were tracing it "HURRY" 911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE "OMG" 911: GET OUT GET OUT
@perfect_messs: [during sex] Him, referring to my Spanx: Don't you want to take those off first? Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.
@gogglepossum: [1st date] Me: don't let him know you're a lobster Him: we should check out my hot-tub later Me: 'yeah...sure' *nervously clicks claws*