If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
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Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*