If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
You Might Also Like
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
This is me 🤣🤣
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette