[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
You can’t rush stupid.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm