If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
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Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.