If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
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Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.