WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.