If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Breaking news:
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.