“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
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Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Seems a bit forward
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
ok this is my dumbest yet
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: