If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
You Might Also Like
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*