Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
starting a garage orchestra
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.