If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!