@MyHairyLife: If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.
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@trumpetcake: Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
@1CarParade: If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
@MrsTomServo: Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I'm gonna have to call the manager. Giant metal shoe: I've been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
@Kyle_Lippert: [A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can't wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married