@MyHairyLife: If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.
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@aveuaskew: Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
@RocketRankoon: My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
@TheKenyan_: Ways to make your woman happy. 1. Cook for her. 2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses. 3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
@GrantTanaka: Barista: name? Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch Barista [writes "Benedict Cumberbatch"] Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit