Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[eats all your cotton candy]