If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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True dat! 😂😂😂😂
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
#parenting
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.