If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
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April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
If you want my opinion ask my wife
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”