If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
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Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now