If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
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I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
worst…sale…ever
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?