If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
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My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…