If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
This could be us but you eatin’
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.