If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
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I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.