After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*