@buhsbaby_baby: If you think my laughter is infectious, you should try having unprotected sex with me.
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@SoulYodeler: Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
@JediGigi: Friend: I need your advice. Me: Wear less eyeshadow. Friend: I meant about my love life. Me: Friend: Me: Friend: Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
@gerryhallcomedy: If anyone on the street asks for directions - give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
@Elizasoul80: My son just said "I'm sorry I can't be cute right now, I'm hungry" and I've never understood him better.