A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.