If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
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Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
how much for the angry fruit?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.