Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
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My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
spicy snake
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
The three genders.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.