If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
You Might Also Like
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf