@TheCatWhisprer: If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn't wear an oven mitt to bed.
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@better_off_dad: *at divorce court Me: She hasn't touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor. Judge: I'm sorry - What?? Her: I win, right?
@hippieswordfish: when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
@NurseSeymour: You never really know how many inches you're gonna get or how long it'll last. Snow, maybe.
@SortaBad: Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for "located"